


Mosaic

by flowerchilddeeno



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anorexia, Bathing/Washing, Bulimia, Bullying, Completed, Cutting, Eating Disorders, Gay Sex, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-29
Updated: 2014-11-23
Packaged: 2018-01-02 22:54:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 21,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1062625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerchilddeeno/pseuds/flowerchilddeeno
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis Tomlinson has always had self esteem problems; he never thought he was skinny or handsome, as he became older, he began to try to change things. Louis began to change his style of clothing and his hair, he also began to diet. His dieting was different than other peoples diet, he started to starve himself and if he had ate too much, he'd make himself purge. He felt like he needed to be perfect for someone to love him, he feels like no one would love a fat blob like him. Harry Styles is sad, very sad. He doesn't know how to explain his sadness, all he knows it that he wants to die; he doesn't want to live. He hates himself more than anyone on this planet. Harry doesn't exactly know what's wrong with him, he can fake a smile, he can make it look like he's having the time of his life when in reality he would rather be dead. Harry hates himself, he hates everything about himself; he believes that no one would love him; a suicidal boy that cuts himself. Both of these boys have different things wrong in their life, but they're both beautiful, they're both kinda like a mosaic; broken into pieces, but still works of art.</p><p>[ trigger warning ]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Louis Tomlinson, Chapter 1

I stepped upon the cold scale on the tile bathroom floor, I looked down at the horrid numbers, one hundred and forty pounds. Fat. I felt tears prick the back of my eyes, I'm still not perfect. You'll never be perfect unless you're skinny, Louis. I heard a voice say in which I had named Skinny, she's my thinspiration; though I had never see her, I imagined her to be perfection and absolutely flawless. I imagined her with shoulder length brown hair, caramel colored eyes, with sun kissed skin and long legs; her hip bones would stick out just right and you could count almost all of her ribs. Of course, I would never look like her, or the male version of her because I'm too fat to even weigh her weight, I imagine her to be the perfect weight in my eyes, one hundred pounds, nothing more and nothing less. Skinny in my eyes is beautiful, skinny in my eyes is flawless; skinny in my eyes is what I need to be.

"Louis, time for breakfast!" I hear Harry call from the stairs, I replied, "I'll be down in a minute!" I slipped my clothing back over me, to get the most precise amount of weight you have, you need to have all of your clothes to get the most accurate. I've been doing this for months, I've been on this "no food" diet for months; no one takes notice, I've learned to hide it. I know I've lost weight, I used to be exactly one hundred and sixty-four pounds, I've only lost twenty-four pounds though. "Mornin' Lou." Harry greeted me as I sat at the table where he had placed my food on my plate. "Breakfast looks great, Haz." I say with a fake smile. He nodded a thanks and dug into his food, I started to make conversation while cutting my waffles into tiny bits of pieces, I brought the fork up to my mouth a couple times, but nothing went into my mouth. I drank a little bit of my water and then started to tear my bacon apart, raising it to my mouth, but nothing going in. I knew just the right amount to eat and to drink, I raised the fork to my mouth with some waffles on it and set it in my mouth, I chewed my food up until it was like a liquid instead of a solid, then I swallowed. I started to drink my water, not fast, but still not slow, I sat the glass down and then pick up my fork bringing it to my mouth, but never in my mouth. Harry never noticed when I just brought it to my mouth and swung the fork around while I talked, he never noticed how I cut my food into tiny bits, he never noticed my eating habits and I was glad.

I suppose you're wondering who Harry is, Harry is my best mate since we were young lads we were the best of friends. He was born in Holmes, Chapel and I was born in Doncaster, we met in third grade and he had moved from Cheshire all the way to Doncaster and we instantly clicked. Soon we met our other two friends Liam and Zayn, Liam's from Wolverhampton while Zayn is from Bradford; Liam moved because at his old school he had gotten bullied very bad and Zayn had lost his home in Bradford due to a fire, so his mum moved him and his sisters out to Doncaster. They became our mum and dad, Zayn and Liam did, they looked after us and took care of us. We met them in fifth grade and I was a wee bit iffy on them at first, but now I love them to pieces. Now next was Niall, Niall is Irish, he's from Mullingar, Ireland. He was the last of us five, not in years of birth, but in being our friend, so we treat him like he's the baby of the group because he kinda is. Harry, to me, is much more than a best friend to me though, he's also my boyfriend of a year and seven months. I love him, I do, but I don't believe he really loves me; neither of us has said I love you to one another, I haven't said it to him because he hasn't said it to me. I think he's ashamed to be with a fat, disgusting blob like me, if I were him, I'd be ashamed too. 

I felt sick to my stomach and my throat scratched wanting the food out, but I couldn't purge it; if I didn't keep it down, then I wouldn't have any energy. I walked to the sink and started to wash the dishes, while I was washing them, Harry came and hugged my waist from behind; I tensed up at his touch, I knew he would feel my fat rolls and I didn't want him to be disgusted with me. He leaned his chin down on top of my head and kissed it, he kept himself there until I finished the dishes and dried them off and my hands off. I turned into his chest and hugged him, "You're warm." I said muffled. I felt him smile, "I'm not warm, you're just always cold." I smiled back and looked up at him, I may be older, but he's sure is taller than I am. "Let's go watch a movie?" he suggested. I nodded, we walked into the living room and he asked me what I wanted to watch and I just shrugged. He looked through some of the dvds we had laying around, "Love at First Hiccup?" he asked. "Never heard of it before." I said in return. "Neither have I..." Neither of us questioned how it had gotten here, but he stuck it in anyways and we began to watch the movie snuggled up into a blanket. We do this often, especially while it is raining; I love rain, there's just something about it that makes me feel... happy. I cuddled into Harry a little bit more, I heard Skinny in my head talking to me, thing is, she was saying the truth. I tried to focus on the movie and Harry, put Skinny was louder and seemed to be more powerful. I obeyed her, as usual, and I excused myself to the bathroom. I flipped on the light and closed the door, locking it, then I raise the toilet seat up. I flipped on the faucet and I washed my hand, but kept to water on to block out my gagging. I got onto my knees in front of the toilet, I wiggled my fingers a little bit to tickle my throat and out came what little food I had eaten. Tears sprung to my eyes as I gagged myself again and up came more food, I poured myself a glass of water and chugged it, then I done the same thing again until I felt really light headed. I flushed the toilet and then washed my hands, I splashed water onto my blotchy, red face and then dried it off. I dabbed water around my red eyes and then dabbed them dry to make them look a little bit less red. I sprayed some air freshener in the bathroom and then got a mint to put in my mouth, Harry wouldn't know a thing.

I walked into the living room and Harry was there waiting for me, "Sorry." I said my face turning red. He smiled at me and nodded, we continued to watch Love at First Hiccup until we both had to got to college, I was studying to be a drama teacher and Harry went to be a Language Arts teacher. "See you at lunch break, Haz." "See you, Lou." We say to each other, I gave him a peck on the cheek as he waves and goes to his class while I go towards the Auditorium. I saw my teacher, Mrs. Aubrey Evans, she prefers us to call her by her first name instead of last. Aubrey has black pixie cut hair, green eyes, light skin, and piercings all down her right ear and on her left only two holes were there, she's an amazing teacher, she doesn't necessarily have to teach we just act and I am an amazing actor. She always tells me that I'm the best in her class and that I might become a drama teacher sometime in my life too. I sat in my usual seat, second to last row, last seat in the corner. I sat my bag down and grabbed out a sheet of paper and a pencil that way I could doodle. Everyone got to class on time and Aubrey began her lesson, "I want you guys to pick a sheet of paper from this hat," she picked up a black fedora, "there's a animals name on that paper. Next week, you have to become the animal you get." It sounded simple enough, a girl named Terra handed me the fedora and I pulled out a sheet and passed to to a boy named Logan. I opened the piece of paper up and saw my animal: elephant. Of course the fattest person ever gets the biggest animal ever, I thought to myself. I sighed and started to think, how can I become a elephant when I'm already the size of one, how can I act like one? 

At lunch break, Harry, Zayn, Niall, and Liam met me outside of my class, I waved to them as I slipped my binder and my new copy of 'The Outsiders' into my bag. Aubrey said that we may do a drama on the book, so I asked her if I could have a copy to read and she said of course. "Hey boys." I say smiling. "Where're we going to eat today?" asked Zayn to Liam. "I say Pizza Palace?" he suggested. I shrugged, I'd just share my food with Niall. The boys all agreed to go get pizza, we walked down the street and went in. "Hello, what can I get for y'all today?" asked a young girl around seventeen years old with brown hair and hazel eyes. "We'll take two large Hawaiian and Sausage pizzas please." Liam said to the girl. She nodded and said, "Your total is fifteen dollars and ninety-nine cents." I grabbed my money out and I had a twenty dollar bill, I knew I would get scolded by Liam because usually when we buy from here he pays. She gave me the change back and Harry and Zayn got the pizzas. "Louis, I was supposed to pay." Liam said. I shrugged, "You and Zayn always pay, it's not like y'all are made of money." "Yeah, well neither are you." He says. I sighed and said, "Sorry."

We sat on the park bench and ate our pizza, I only ate half of a piece of pizza, but they think I ate more. I gave Niall the rest of mine saying that I had already ate a ton more and that I was full, he bought it and took it right away. The only thing I wanted to do right now was someway to get this poison out of my body and fast. We threw the boxes away and we started to walk in the direction of our house, Harry opened the door and we all walked in, "Looks like somebody had a cuddling or make out session before school this morning." teased Niall. Harry and I looked at each other and blushed. "Aw they're blushing." said Liam pinching Harry's cheek and Zayn pinching mine. I slapped Zayn's hand away, "Buzz off would ya?" I said. They laughed and we started to watch whatever we could find on the television.

When the boys left, I told Harry that I was going to go shower. He nodded and I walked up the stairs, I suddenly got a wave of dizziness and grabbed hold of the railing, I led myself up and into our room. I grabbed pajama pants and a long sleeved tee shirt, I walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower and the mirror fogged up. After I turned the shower on, I knelt in front of the toilet and made myself puke up the pizza, I grabbed a glass of water and then chugged it. I tickled my throat yet again and out came some blood. I flushed the toilet and then I stripped from my clothing to nothing and I stepped onto the scale and I had lost one pound. I smiled, one hundred and thirty-nine pounds. I hopped into the warm shower and started to wash my hair, clumps came out of my head, I sighed and continued to wash, then I washed my body then rinsed off. I dried off with a white, fluffy towel and then blow dried my hair, I then got dressed, I brushed my hair and teeth and I was really tired. I turned off the light to the bathroom and I laid down on the bed where Harry was laying too, "Hi." I said. He smiled. "Hello." I put my head on top of his chest, "Are you going to go shower?" I asked. "I'll take one in the morning, right now I just want to cuddle with you." I snuggled closer to him and mumbled, "I don't have a problem with that."


	2. Harry Styles, Chapter 2

I walked down the carpeted stairs and into the kitchen, I started to cook some breakfast for Lou and I. I cracked the eggs and put them into the skillet, I then added pepper and a little bit of salt. I cooked some baked beans and some sausages, then I put some toast into the toaster. I got out two plates and sat them beside the stove, I put the toasted bread slices onto each plate and cut them in half to make a triangle. I put some beans on each plate and then the eggs, I waited a while longer to put the sausages onto the plates. I warmed some tea up for Lou and I, then I poured it into some mugs. I heard Louis' footsteps, I put the cooked sausage onto the plates and I sat them onto the table.

When Louis enter the kitchen I greeted him with a "Good Morning, Louis." and I smiled at him. He gave me a soft smile back and said, "Morning Harold." I rolled my eyes and said, "Eat up, we have to leave in about six minutes." He nodded his head, I sat at the table and began to eat my food. I looked at Louis and noticed he wasn't eating his food, he was just playing with it; come to notice it, he always plays with his food. "Why aren't you eating, Lou?" I asked him. I saw his shoulders tense, he looked up from his plate, "What do you mean?" he asked. "You're playing with your food." I said. He shrugged his shoulders and laughed, "I'm eating, Haz. Don't worry." I simply nodded, brushing it off. "What are you doing in drama now?" I said changing the subject. He seemed to like the idea of the topic changing because he smiled when I asked and replied, "We have to act out an animal on stage next week." "What animal are you?" I ask. "The biggest animal ever, an elephant. Aubrey said we had to be the animal." "Then shouldn't you be gaining a lot of weight?" I said in a joking manner. He laughed at my joke and said, "Yes, Harry, that is what she meant." I smiled at him, he lights up my world, he makes my day better.

"C'mon Harry, I don't want to be late." Louis said, pushing me off of him. We were in the middle of a very heated make out session, I smirked at the hickey on his neck. Louis looked in the mirror and mumbled a 'Really, Harry, Really?', but I could only smile a very cheesy grin. We fixed our clothes and then we walked to our colleges, "Bye, Louis." He smiled, "Have great day, Harry." He said then hugged me. I stood there until he went into the building then started to walk to my class. 

I said a 'good morning' to Mrs. Parker and sat at my desk, I got out my pencil and my binder along with my books from my bag. I started to doodle Louis' name onto my paper, I smiled at the thought of Louis. Louis is actually the only one who keeps me from killing myself, though he doesn't know that yet. He makes me feel something when in reality I feel like nothing, he's the sun in my eyes, he's so radiant. I felt someone thump my head, I turned around in my seat to see Evan. I shut my eyes for a minute and then just turned in my seat, he just never stops, does he? He walked away to go join his friends, but not before pushing me out of my desk and into the floor, leaving a note on my desk. I shook my head at him and stood up, I brushed myself off and sat back down. I opened the note that was folded neatly, I read the words that were on the lined paper. Tears pricked my eyes as I read the note, I shook my head and threw it into the trashcan. What was on the note? You may ask, well it was nothing but the truth. You know what they say, the truth hurts. They wrote that I was a faggot, they wrote that I was ugly and worthless, they wrote what they knew; they wrote the truth too. I do believe them, I do think that the statements are true. Why? Because you can't argue with something that you've always been told, you can't argue with the truth, you can't change a fact. Every single thing they say is true and it hurts to know it too, it hurts to know the cold hearted truth.

Soon the class filled up with everyone and I smiled at Zayn which entered a wee bit late, he apologized to Mrs. Parker and sat beside me. Zayn was almost always late to class because he had always hit snooze on his alarm clock, or he had just overslept. Zayn was my best friend out of the lads, besides Louis of course, but Zayn knows everything about me while the others don't. Zayn is always there for me when I need something, he knows about my addiction, he knows that I get bullied, he knows that I can barely handle this for much longer; he knows me almost as much as I know myself. "Now that all of us are here," Mrs. Parker began, "I would like us to read a novel, any novel that you would like and do a report over it." I started to think about all the books I could do a report on until I thought of my favorite, 'The Outsiders' by S.E. Hinton. "Any questions?" She asked. "Does the book need to be a certain length?" asked a tall boy named Adam. She shook her head, "Any more questions?" Nobody said a word, "You may begin once you receive this paper." The girl in front of me named Jade passed the papers back, I thanked her and I wrote my name on the sheet. 

I scanned over the sheet looking at the questions on it, there were five. Number one: What is the name of your book? I wrote the title and went to question number two, who is the author of your book? I wrote S.E. Hinton. I skipped numbers three and four because I would have to use the dictionary, she wanted us to write definitions for some words, so I went to Number 5: Write a summary about your book. The Outsiders is about two weeks in the life of a 14-year-old boy. The novel tells the story of Ponyboy Curtis and his struggles with right and wrong in a society in which he believes that he is an outsider. Ponyboy and his two brothers — Darrel (Darry), who is 20, and Sodapop, who is 16 — have recently lost their parents in an automobile accident. Pony and Soda are allowed to stay under Darry's guardianship as long as they all behave themselves. The boys are greasers, a class term that refers to the young men on the East Side, the poor side of town. The greasers' rivals are the Socs, short for Socials, who are the "West-side rich kids." The story opens with Pony walking home alone from a movie; he is stopped by a gang of Socs who proceed to beat him up. The Socs badly injure and threaten to kill Ponyboy; however, some of his gang happen upon the scene and run the Socs off. This incident sets the tone for the rest of the story, because the event tells the reader that a fight between these two groups needs no provocation. The next night Pony and two other gang members, Dallas Winston (Dally) and Johnny Cade, go to a drive-in movie. There they meet Sherri (Cherry) Valance and her friend Marcia, who have left their Soc boyfriends at the drive-in because the boys were drinking. Dally leaves after giving the girls a hard time, but another greaser, Two-Bit Mathews, joins Pony and Johnny. The boys offer to walk the girls home after the movie, but along the way, the girls' boyfriends reappear and threaten to fight the greasers. Cherry stops the fight from happening, and the girls leave with their boyfriends. Pony and Johnny go to a vacant lot to hang out before heading home. They fall asleep, and when Johnny wakes Pony up it's 2 a.m. Pony runs home, because the time is way past his curfew, and Darry is waiting up. Darry is furious with Pony and, in the heat of the moment, he hits him. Pony runs out of the house and returns to the lot to find Johnny. Pony wants to run away, but instead they go to the park to cool off before heading back home. At the park, Cherry's and Marcia's boyfriends reappear. Pony and Johnny are outnumbered, and the Socs grab Ponyboy and shove him face first into the fountain, holding his head under the water. Realizing that Ponyboy is drowning, Johnny panics, pulls his switchblade, and kills the Soc, Bob. Ponyboy and Johnny seek out Dally for help in running away to avoid being arrested for Bob's murder. He gives them $50 and directions to a hideout outside of town. The boys hop a freight train and find the hideout where they are to wait until Dally comes for them. Hiding in an abandoned, rural church, they feel like real outsiders, with their greased, long hair and general hoody appearance. They both cut their hair, and Pony colors his for a disguise. They pass the time in the church playing cards and reading aloud from Gone with the Wind. Dally shows up after a week, and takes them to the Dairy Queen in Windrixville. Thanks to Dally, the police think that the boys are headed for Texas. Dally also brings them the news that Cherry Valance is now being a spy for the greasers, and helping them out against the Socs. She has also testified that Bob was drunk the night of his death and that she was sure that the killing had been in self-defense. Johnny decides that he has a chance now, and announces that he wants to turn himself in. They head back to the church and discover that it is on fire. A school group is there, apparently on some kind of outing, and little kids are trapped inside. Without thinking, Pony and Johnny race inside and rescue the kids. As they are handing the kids outside to Dally, the burning roof collapses. Pony barely escapes, but a piece of timber falls on Johnny, burning him badly and breaking his back. The boys, now viewed as heroes, are taken via ambulance back to town, where Pony reunites with his brothers. Johnny dies of his injuries. Dally is overcome with grief, and he robs a grocery store. He flees the police and calls the gang from a telephone booth, asking them to pick him up in the vacant lot and take him to a hiding place. The police chase Dally to the lot, and as the gang watches, Dally pulls a "black object" from his waistband and the officers shoot him. The senselessness of all the violent events traumatizes Pony, but he deals with his grief and frustration by writing this book for all of the "Dallys" in the world. I looked at what I had written and over to Zayn, he was looking at me in shock, I gave him a confused look. "Dude, you just sitting there writing away, like you didn't have a care in the world. You must really like that book, yeah?" I gave out a laugh and nodded, "I suppose I do, yeah."

I walked out of uni with Zayn, we were both silent until he broke it, "Have you done it today, mate?" he asked. I looked over at him and then down at my shoes, "Not yet." I replied. "Please don't do it, Harry." he said looking at me while I stared ahead as we walked. "I'm sorry, Zayn, it's hard to explain." He nodded, he tried to understand, but I knew he never could, and it was a good thing; I didn't want Zayn to understand why I did this because that would mean him know what it felt like to hate yourself and I would never want him to feel that way. "Harry, can you at least try to explain? What does depression feel like?" he asked me. I looked at the ground and began to think, how could I put it into word for him to understand? "It's like you're drowning." I say. "But you can see everyone else around you breathing." He still looked confused at my simile, so I tried to put it into other words. "Your thoughts get to you, your imagination is killing you. Thoughts are like a tsunami, you're basically drowning in your own thoughts It feels like I'm suffocating and I can't get any air into my lungs." He looked at me with sadness in his eyes and hugged me, "I'm so sorry you feel like this Harry, I wish there were a way I could help you." "Some days, I feel everything at once, but most days I feel nothing at all. I don't know what's worse, Zayn, drowning or dying." I say into his shoulder. He gave out a sigh and said, "Harry, everyone wants happiness in their life, nobody wants pain, but you can't have rainbows without any rain. What I'm trying to say is, things will get better in the end. If things aren't better, then it's not the end. I don't know when things will get better, but it could be at any time, tomorrow, next week, three months for now; if you kill yourself, then you won't live to see how much better things are in the future, and I want you to be here to see the better things." A tear made it's way down my face, I wiped it away, "Thanks, Zayn." He smiled at me and replied, "No problem." 

We walked to Louis' class and I saw some people talking to him, to be honest, I didn't know Louis was that popular. We walked over to them and I noticed that Louis was in tears, my Louis was in tears, my eyes widened as did Zayn's. "Well if it isn't the fags boyfriend." said one boy that was about Niall's height. I felt my jaw clench, "Don't call him a fag." I said. The lads looked shocked that I had said that to the boy, "Why? He is a faggot and you are too, I'd be surprised if Malik here wasn't one as well." "C'mon, Lou, let's go." I said, pulling him up from the spot he was sitting, glaring at the boys as I did so. "Don't mess with my boyfriend again." I said to them. "Or what?" One challenged. "Or you'll have to deal with me." I said in return. They mocked me, saying, "Oh, I'm so scared." I faced them and I punched the one with the loud-mouth straight in the jaw, "Don't mess with me, my friends, especially my boyfriend. Got it?" I said leaning down to his face that was on the ground, he whimpered and nodded. I turned to face Louis and Zayn, I ran over to them and put my arms on Louis' shoulders. "Are you okay? How long has this been going on?" I say in a rushed tone. "I'm fine, Haz. Don't worry, and not long." he said giving me a smile. I sighed and said, "At least you're not hurt." I then kissed his forehead, "Let's get home, okay?" I waved to Zayn as me and Louis made our way home.

I pulled open our door, "Go put on some PJ's, we're having a pizza movie night." I told him with a smile. He nodded and bounced up stairs, I called the local Domino's pizza and ordered a large pepperoni pizza. They said they'd be here in less that twenty-five minutes, so I walked up the stairs and into our room. I saw Louis putting on his pajama pants, so I came behind him and kissed down his neck, he let out a soft moan, so I kissed his cheek then smiled at him. I took off my shirt and pants, then I slipped into some plaid navy blue pajama pants with a white long sleeved shirt. I grabbed my wallet and headed down stairs, I got out twenty dollars and sat it on the table beside the door, then I put my wallet in the kitchen. I grabbed the drinks and sat them on the coffee table in the living room as Louis was picking out a movie. I heard a knock on the door, I walked to the door and opened it. I paid the pizza guy and shut the door and locked it when he left.

I took the pizza into the living room and I saw that Louis had already put the movie in, "Pizza's here." He looked up and nodded, I sat the box onto the table and opened it. I heard Louis' stomach start to grumble, I chuckled, "Hungry?" I grabbed a piece and handed it to him, he took it and bit it. He chewed it for so long, but eventually he swallowed it. I smiled at him and asked, "What'd you pick to watch?" "Peter Pan." he said with a grin. "You're cute, Louis, you know that right?" I asked. He looked down at the floor with a blush, "Well, Louis, you are. I'm going to keep reminding you until you believe me too." He smiled and came closer to me and whispered, "You're really sweet, Harold." I smiled down at him and said, "I try to be as sweet as a cupcake." He looked up at me and smiled, "You are a cupcake, Haz." Then he looked back at the movie.

I didn't really pay attention to the movie, I mostly paid attention to Louis reacting to the movie that we've seen over a thousand times. His eyes would light up every time he'd see Wendy with Peter, he wanted them to have a happily ever after and you could tell. This was his all time favorite movie and he loved it more than he loved life, he was so happy and giddy whenever he watched it. Louis started to get teary eyed near the end when Wendy gave him a 'thimble', but was actually a hidden kiss. When Peter had gotten so happy that he basically flew into the sky, Louis had started to smile so big. His smile was beautiful, the way his eyes closed and had little crinkles around them made my heart skip a beat. Louis was the definition of flawless to me, Louis is my life; he keeps me going, I love him so much.

By the end of the movie, Louis had fallen asleep, so I picked him up and carried him up to his bed. I covered him up and walked back down the stairs, I put the left over pizza away and cut off the tv, then I cut off the lights. I went back up the stairs and into the bathroom, I brushed my teeth quickly and splashed water onto my face. You're so ugly. I thought as I looked into the mirror, the things on the note came rushing back to me, tears came down my face. You deserve to die. Kill yourself, no one would miss you anyways. I kept my sobs hushed as I slid down the wall, I opened the cabinet door and saw my razor, I pulled my sleeve up and I made marks onto my skin. I was never an artist, but it seemed as if my paintbrush was my razor and my canvas was my wrist, so I guess I was an artist on those terms. I closed my eyes as my blood ran out of my arm, I looked back down at my wrist and I saw my cuts and scars. I grabbed some toilet paper to make the bleeding stop, I applied pressure and it soon stopped bleeding. I threw away the paper and wiped away the blood with water. I cleaned up my mess and shut out the light; I walked to our bed and laid down, soon Louis was attached to my chest and I soon drifted into a slumber as well.


	3. Louis Tomlinson, Chapter 3

I opened my eyes and I saw a Harry staring right at me, I jumped back, frightened. "Harold, stop being Edward Cullen." He made a cheeky smile at me, "I wanted us to make breakfast together." I showed him a fake smile and said in the most exciting voice I could make, "C'mon!" He smiled at me and grabbed my hand, yanking me from the bed, down the stairs, and into the kitchen. He was so happy that I was going to be making breakfast with him, I didn't want to ruin that for him, I didn't want to ruin his happiness.

He already had the pancake batter mixed, apparently I had been daydreaming. I smiled as he started to make a heart shaped pancake that was huge, I put my arms around his waist and watched as he flipped the pancake over, then put it in a plate. He made a large circle then two smaller ones at the top, "What are you making now?" I ask. He smiled, "Mickey Mouse." 

When he was finished, He had one huge heart, a Mickey Mouse, a small heart, and Minnie Mouse. I asked for the small heart and Mickey because they were the smallest ones. He put them on two separate plates, we both sat down, and he passed the syrup to me. I put some syrup on my pancakes, I started to cut them up when Harry asked if I wanted to go for a walk in the park after we eat, I agreed and continued to cut them. 

We walked out the door, we held our pinkies; kinda like holding hands. We walked down the sidewalk to the park, the park was huge! The park has a fountain in the center, it has three trees around the walkway around it. They have a swing set and slide, but that was basically it. Most of the park was just grassland, but it was still beautiful with the fountains. I had always found fountains beautiful as a child, mostly the water; it fascinates me.

Harry and I walked towards the fountain and I grabbed out a quarter, I gave it to him then reach into my pocket again to retrieve my own. "Make a wish." I said. Harry and I flipped the coin at the same time, the coins landed into the fountain, drifting down to the bottom. I wished to be skinny, I wonder what Harry wished for to be honest, but if someone tells you what you wished for then it won't come true.

We then walked to the swing set, our pinkies stretched out intertwined with each other. "Louis, when we were young, what did you want to be when you got older?" Harry asked me, looking over at him I replied, "I wanted to be a photographer. What about you?" Harry smiled and chuckled to himself, "An artist." "Why'd you want to be an artist?" I asked interested. "It was my way of forgetting everything that was happening around me, mum and dad divorcing, school, it helped me get away from the real world. It was hard to speak my ideas vocally, so I drew it on paper to show what I was feeling. Why did you want to be a photographer?" I nodded at his explanation and replied to his question, "Photography isn't about who is best, it's about telling the story that we have once encountered. There's only one you, so you can be the only one to tell the story that comes within. There's just heart and honesty, nothing else." I say. He nodded, "Why'd you give up?" "I don't know, why'd you give up?" I responded. He smirked, getting up and grabbing my hand saying, "Touche`."

Harry was starved, so we stopped by a coffee shop, to which we didn't know the name of. He grabbed a coffee with a crescent, while I ordered tea and just tea. We both began to walk home, Harry eating his crescent while drinking his coffee and I sipping on my tea slowly. When we finally got home, I slipped off my shoes and jacket. I threw away the rest of my tea, while Harry was still drinking his coffee. I sat down onto the couch and flipped through the channels on the television, but there seemed to be nothing on. I looked over at Harry who was coming over to the couch, I smiled at him while he sat on me while I was still laying on the couch. He was squishing me, but to be honest, I didn't care. 

He leaned his face down to mine and I looked into his jade colored eyes, he presses his lips down onto mine. I melt into the kiss and just go with it. Our lips moved in sync with each other, then his lips left mine, he started to kiss down my jaw line, onto my neck. He bit and nibbled, he then grinds down onto me and I let out a inhuman sound, bucking my hips to make friction. He went to kiss my lips again while I try to take off his shirt and jacket, I felt something rough on his arms though and I was curious to what was on them. I stopped kissing, while Harry just looked at me confused, he sat up and looked at me questioningly at me.

I looked down at his arms, I felt my stomach drop and my heart clench, Harry had scars and cuts going up and down his arms. Tears sprung to my eyes, I shook my head, while a tear made it's way down my cheek. "What's wrong, Boo?" Harry honestly didn't know why I suddenly just stopped. "Did I do something wrong?" Harry asked, his eyes widened. "Babe, I'm sorry. Are you not ready?" I just shook my head at him, "No, Harry. You did nothing wrong at all, Harry, you know that I really lo- like you correct?" I asked, he nodded his head. "Harry, I don't want to lose you okay?" "Why would you lose me?" he asked. "Harry, I'm not going to make you stop what you're doing, but will you please try to stop. I love you, Harry, okay? I freaking love you, I can't stand knowing that you're doing this to yourself." He was still confused, I sighed, "Harry, I know that you cut yourself." His eyes go huge and he began to shake, he started to sob into my arms. "It's okay, Harry, It's okay. I promise, you're going to get better. I promise."

Harry had drifted off to sleep while in my arms, I couldn't carry him up the stairs to bring him to the bedroom, so I moved his feet and his body position to be laying down. I walked up stairs and grabbed a blanket and pillow, I laid the pillow under his head and the covers on top of him. I kissed his forehead and whisper, "Good night, Harry. I love you." I shut off the light and went upstairs, I grabbed my pajamas then took a short shower. I laid in my bed, praying Harry would get better. I hope he gets better.


	4. Harry Styles, Chapter 4

I woke up from my sleep and I was laying on the couch in the same clothes as yesterday; plain, white tee shirt, black jacket, and black jeans. My jacket sleeves were raised and you could see my cuts plain as day, the first thought that rang through my head was Louis. I remembered last night: the breakfast, the park, the coffee shop, the make out session that might have led to something else until I ruined everything, the crying... I made my Louis cry.

I moved from the couch and up the stairs, I walked silently into the bedroom just in case Louis was still sleeping; he was. I went to our closet and picked out a black tee shirt and a plaid red long-sleeved shirt with some dark jeans, just before I reached the bathroom door I heard Louis say, "Please promise me you won't cut." I turned to look at him; he was sitting up and rubbing the sleep out of his right eye. I nodded and whispered, "I promise." And with that I went into the bathroom.

I stripped myself my clothes and set them in the hamper, I turned on the water to the shower and waited for it to warm. While I waited, I search from my razors; no, I wasn't going to cut, I was making sure Louis didn't find them. I saw that they were still there, but they were placed in a different place; Louis had found them, but left them alone. Did Louis really trust me enough to still have them? I simply shut the cabinet door and got into the shower. I washed my body and hair then rinsed off the suds. I turned off the water, then dried off with a towel. I slipped into my clothing and walked out of the bathroom, Louis was no longer in bed, so I assumed he must be downstairs.

I walked into the kitchen and I saw Louis with waffles sat on a plate, "I made waffles." I smiled at him, "Aren't you going to eat?" I asked. He nodded and responded, "Ate while you were in the shower." I nodded and stuck a piece of waffle in my mouth. "You know we're going to have to talk about it right?" I looked up from my plate then nodded slowly, ashamed and feeling remorseful. He sighed, "Harry, why'd you do it?" "What do you think?" I asked. "I don't know. Harry, you are so freaking beautiful. A person like you shouldn't be hating themselves or hurting themselves." He says. "Well guess what, Louis, not everyone sees what you see." I spat. "You shouldn't be doing this to yourself though. You're just slowly killing yourself and I don't want to wake up one day to you hanging in the bedroom." He screamed. "Maybe I want that to happen, Louis. Did you ever think about how I feel about my life? I know what I'm doing to my body. I know I am hurting myself more, but that's the thing, I don't care anymore. I want this to end." I raised my voice to him, getting louder with every word. "Harry," Louis said in a small voice, "please stop." "Louis, I'm sorry, but I'm not like everyone else. I'm not perfect, I don't have the perfect hair, I don't have a clear face, I don't have the perfect body; I'm just Harry and I don't like being myself. I'm sorry, but I'm just not the same as everyone else." I say. Louis closed his eyes for a second, squinting them once then opening them. "Fine." He says. "Harry, I just hope you know that the reason why I love you is because you aren't perfect and that to me you're the most beautiful human being alive." He walked out of the room and walked outside with the keys and drove off. He left me alone; the one thing I dreaded the most.

I couldn't finish the waffles, so I threw them out. I walked upstairs and got on my laptop, I started to look at some recovery websites; I'm going to try, for Louis. The websites gave some tips for when you have an urge to self harm to wait ten minutes, if you wait that long then you can go ten minutes times two. I could carry a journal around and write down the last time I went through something that made me feel the urge to harm myself, but didn't and write down what I did differently. I could list ten different ways to deal with the triggers. I could write down some of the good things I think about myself, I could also write about why recovery is the best option. I really hope this'll work, I want to be better, for Louis.

I walked to the store down the street and bought a notebook, it was a forest green color, I also bought some pens that were different colors. On one of the websites it said to color coordinate with different shades of pens in the journal: black pen equals suicidal; blue pen equals sad; red pen equals triggered; pink pen equals loved; purple pen equals mixed emotions; green pen equals happy. "That'll be $6.99 please." said the red-haired cashier. I pulled out the cash from my jeans, "Thank you and have a splendid day." I smiled and replied, "You too."

Once I got home, I saw that Louis still wasn't home. I sighed, does he even love me anymore? Is he going to leave me? My anxieties were building up, but I started to count to ten slowly, then I was fine. I walked into our bedroom and turned on the bedside lamp, I grabbed my purple pen and wrote at the top of the page, 'Ways to Deal with Triggers." I switched to my blue pen then I put a bullet point and wrote, 'Count to ten, if that doesn't work, count to ten again." I'll add more when I get triggered again and I'll use a different method.

Louis still hasn't came back yet and I'm getting worried, is he alright? I called up Zayn; "Hello?" I heard him say. "Hey, have you seen Lou today?" I asked desperately. "No. No, why? What happened?" I could hear him shaking his head. "We got into a fight, he found out about... it..." I said silently. "Oh.." I hear him say, "What'd he tell you?" "He asked why and I gave him an answer. He left without saying goodbye..." I responded. "Harry, have you done the thing since he left?" Zayn mumbles into the phone. "No. Zayn, I'm going to try to get better. I'm trying to quit." I say. "I'm proud of you, I'm just sad it had to happen in such a crappy situation." "Me too, Zayn, me too." I respond.


	5. Louis Tomlinson, Chapter 5

I got into the car and drove, I didn't know where I was going, but I'd know when I'll get there. I soon came to a stop, I ran out of gas; just my luck. I was basically in the middle of nowhere with no gas and absolutely no cell service. I sighed, it's hopeless, I finally admit. What's Harry doing now? I wonder. Could he be cutting? Did I make him cut himself? Am I the reason he self harms? Did he cut after I left? Is he worried that I'm not coming back to him? All of these questions have answers to them, but I have yet to know them. I look around my surroundings, there's a diner then a gas station beside of it, a few ways down is a small pre-k building with play equipment; I dug in my pockets for some money, I found nine dollars and fifty cents. I grabbed my keys from the ignition and locked the car doors, then I headed toward the diner.

I walked to the long island and said to the older lady what I wanted, tea with some milk and two sugars along with a chicken tikka masala; spicy chicken is served with a creamy gravy-like sauce and a heaping portion of steamed white rice. She nodded and gave me a sweet smile, "Okay, hon. That'll be right out." I gave her a forced smile and whispered a thanks. She came back in an hour with my food, "Sorry it took so long, sugar." "It's fine." I gave her a smile. "Just call when you need the check." With that, she walked away.

I mostly just ate the rice and a bit of chicken, I did drink most of my tea though. I called the lady, Von, back over for my check. "That'll be five ninety-nine, please." she says. I nod and pull out a five dollar bill and two dollar bills. "Would you like your change?" I shook my head no, "No, but do you have a phone I could use?" She nodded her head and replied, "Follow me."

I followed her into a little office in the back, she pointed to the phone and said, "Just tell me when you're done." "Yes, ma'am." She trotted out the door as I picked up the phone. I dialled the first number that came to mind, Liam's. "Hello?" I heard his voice. "Hi." "Louis?" he asked. "No, it's the Queen." I said in return rolling my eyes. "No, but where have you been? We've been worried sick." He scolds. "Listen, Liam. I don't know where I am, I went for a drive and I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. I've also ran out of gas, but there was a diner, so I've ate." I reply. "Can you ask where?" He says. I look around the room, trying to find a sign to where I am. "I'm at Barb's Diner." "I know where that is, there's a gas station right down the road?" He says. "I don't have enough money to buy the gas, can you just come here and get me? We can call someone to get my car tomorrow?" He lets out a sigh, "Yeah, see you in a few." 

I wait outside the diner for a while, an hour passes until finally Liam turns up. I wave to him and he pulls over to me, "Get in." I nod and open the door, "So why exactly did you take a drive?" I buckle my seatbelt and say, "Because of Harry." "What's wrong with Harry?" Liam asked with his eyebrows arched. "He hurts himself, Liam. He really hurts himself... he has a lot of razor blades underneath the bathroom counter. I'm scared for him, how many times has he thought of just ending it all? What if one day I wake up and he's dead? I could have prevented from happening, but instead it was right under my nose and I didn't know." I say, my voice cracks. "Louis, you leaving him maybe made him feel worse, but Lou, try to help him out. Put you in his place, would you want someone you love to just disappear right after they find out your secret? No." He says to me. "I'm sorry, I was just in shock." "I know, Lou, I know... I am too." "What're we going to do?" I ask. "I don't know, but we can figure that out in the morning. You're staying the night with me and we'll talk later, right now how about we try to get out of this shock." I simply nod and drift off to sleep.


	6. Harry Styles, Chapter 6

I woke up thinking Louis would be right beside of me; everything was forgotten that he had forgiven me and that he loved me, but I was wrong. I woke up alone in my bed with my journal and color pens laid from beside me on his side of the bed, I let out a huff of air and walked to my wardrobe. I pulled out a white shirt, plaid red long sleeved shirt, and jeans. I walked into the bathroom and started the shower, I stripped from my clothing and tried to avoid the mirror, but I couldn't. I stared back at the figure in the mirror: ugly, fat, useless, stupid. For a while, I just stood there, staring at the monster that was me. How did I manage to become so screwed up? I picked at my flaws, over and over. No wonder Louis left you. I heard somebody whisper, also known as my thoughts. At times like these, my thoughts aren't my thoughts; they're everyone else's. They all call me names, not a single one nice. They go on until finally I just fall to the ground and pick up that cold piece of metal that seems to save me from them, but not my own self destruction.

And that's exactly what happened. I grabbed the sharp tool and made my marks, it happened fast. I didn't even think about what I was doing, it just happened. My arm was bleeding red while my eyes were pouring tears, my head was pounding; I could hear my own heart thumping against my brain. The words of my thoughts disappeared, the world became black draining out everything.

I found myself lying in the bathroom floor, I knew why. It wasn't because of me cutting too deep or bleeding too much; the reason to why I passed out was because I was overwhelmed; I was full of too much emotion, I couldn't handle the feelings, so I shut down. I was still naked and I was still lying in the floor, blood was on me as was tears. The water in the shower was still running, I quickly hopped in and washed the blood and tears away. I washed my hair and then turned the shower off. I stepped out and dried off quickly, I put my clothes on then brushed my teeth. I made my way back into the bedroom and I saw the clock: 6 o'clock. I was only passed out for an hour, thank God, I won't be late for school. I grabbed my stuff, including my journal and pens, and head for the door.

I made my merry way out the door and walked to school considering Louis had taken the car. I passed Lou's school knowing he wasn't up anyway. I finally made it to my campus and sat down beside a tree that was fairly large, you couldn't see if anyone was behind it, so I sat there. I went to the next page in my journal and grabbed a blue pen. I wrote "Relapse" then the number one, I then wrote todays date; November 12, 2013. This is going to be the list of all the times I screwed up. 

I began to wonder where Louis was, was he with Liam? Niall? Zayn? Was he staying in a hotel far, far away? Did he leave forever? Did he forget always? Is he okay? Did he get jumped? Is he in some weirdo's basement? Is he tied to a chair against his will? Thinking all of these things made my head hurt, I just wanted Louis home... with me, forever. I want to be with him forever, but I believe I ruined our forever, I ruined our always. You're a screw up, Harry, a screw up. "I know." I whispered to the cold breeze. 

Soon I saw Zayn start to walk into the building, so I called for him to wait. He turned, saw me, and smiled. He waited as I put my pen and journal away. I walked to him and he asked how I was doing, I replied fine. The thing is, Zayn knows what my fine means; awful. "Have you done the thing?" He asked as we walk through the hall. I looked to the floor and hesitantly nodded, "Why?" "I don't know," I shrugged, "It just kinda happened." "Show me your arm, Harry." he demanded. "No." "Harry, give me your arm." "No." We fought until finally, he grabbed my arm and pushed up my sleeve. His eyes glazed over with tears, his face went from angry and irritated to pitiful and sad. "Harry," He started, "Harry, there's over one hundred new cuts here." I glanced down at my wrist, I saw the angry, long cuts that my arm wore: some were big, some were little; some were wide, some were narrow; some were bright, blazing red, while some were a measly dark pink. "How do you keep doing this to yourself?" I shrug. "Why do you keep doing this to yourself?" "I deserve it." "Deserve what?" "The pain." "Why?" I look Zayn in the eyes, "Because I'm worthless, a piece of trash. Pathetic."

I leave Zayn standing there, speechless. I walk to the classroom, no one is there of course. I sit in the same seat, Zayn comes in and we don't speak, the tall boy, Adam, and the girl that always sits behind me, Jade, come in, they're dating. Jade sits next to Adam today. A girl with fluffy red hair comes in, I believe her name is Jess, she sits next to Jade. A dozen other people come in: three black girls, all sisters, Sharon, Geri, and Twanda; a ginger named Mari, she sits alone; two Asian boys, Brock and Justin, and three Asian girls, Janice, Leigh, and Ever; three brunettes: two boys and one girl, Chase, Martin, and Charlotte. Almost everyone is here, next should be Aubrey, our teacher. On call, here she comes running in. She begins roll.

"Brock?" She calls. "Here." he replies. I stop listening until I hear, my name said. "Harry." "Here." I say. She smiles at me as I smile back. When she calls the last persons name, Zayn, the devil and his demons arrive. "Here." They all scream. How are they going to become English teachers? I think to myself. They take the only seats left while Aubrey rolls her eyes and begins the lesson. "We're going to be reading 'The Hunger Games' by Suzanne Collins," She pauses to pick up five books, "Zayn, Jade, will y'all pass these out for me?" They nod and stand, "Thank you." She replies giving them the books in her hands. "Who in here has already read the novels?" I raise my hand, shyly. "Great." She said smiling. "It's an amazing book," She grabs the remote to her projector, "We're going to watch a short interview about why Ms. Collins wrote the book and how she got her inspiration." She clicked the lights off.

I had already watched this interview, she got her inspiration from what was happening in our time and from the past, Ms. Collins also found a interest in Roman mythology as she also found some in the Greek story of Theseus. After the interview video, Aubrey gave us a pamphlet to read about the tale of Theseus. Theseus was Athens's great hero. While having all the qualities of a traditional hero, such as strength and courage, he was also intelligent and wise. His early adventures benefited the city and region, he was a successful king. He consolidated Athens's position in the region through shrewd political maneuvering, he led Athens's army on victorious campaigns. He is credited as the founder of Athens's democracy voluntarily turning many of his powers as king over to an elected assembly. He gained a reputation for helping the poor and oppressed. 

"Now tell me what you know about The Hunger Games and what you know about Theseus." Few people raised their hands, but Aubrey chose Zayn. "The games is about going into an arena and fighting until death, that's the Capital's way of entertainment while it was for Romans and Greeks too. Theseus had to overcome many obstacles to become the king, while the people in the games have to face life or death as did he." She smiled and nodded. 

"I want you all to read the book, go to Chapter 6," She said, "You may begin now or you can read at your flats, you may talk quietly and don't disturb the ones who are reading." She sat at her desk and began to read, 'The Notebook.' I decided not to read 'The Hunger Games', I would wait until I get home. Evan and his demons threw paper balls at me, I wanted to scream at them so bad, but I didn't. They whispered to me, taunting me, "Hey, fag." "How ya' doin', faggot?" "Queery McWeery." "Queer McQueerButt." "Fag." "Faggot." "Gay" "Die, faggot, die." "Kill yourself." "Die." They're words echoed in my head with their sick laughter, Evan threw a note onto my desk. I knew I shouldn't, but I opened it anyway. "Dear fag, I hope while you're sleeping tonight you're boyfriend kills himself because he doesn't love you. You hear me? You're boyfriend, Lewis, or whatever his name is, hates you. No one will ever like you." I know. I threw the paper on the floor, I looked straight ahead at the walls trying to forget I was here.

The day was finally over, well, the school day. I shot out of the classroom, I wonder if Lou went to school today. "Harry!" I heard Zayn call after me. I stopped and he rushed to me, "Why are you rushing?" "I need to know where Lou is." I say. "He's fine." He tried to reassure me. "But what if he's not? You don't know." I replied. "No, I don't know, but I know he is." "Zayn, what if he doesn't love me anymore?" I ask. "What if he doesn't come home?" "Then it's his loss." Zayn said. "But I love him, Zayn." "I know you do, mate, I know."

Zayn and I waited for the boys to show in front of Louis' school, but no one came, so he and I went our separate ways home. I stuck my hands in my pockets and looked at the leaves on the pavement, I reached the flat and made my way in through the door. "Louis?" I called out. "Louis! Are you home?" No one replied, I began to search for him. I looked in the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room, the bedroom, everywhere; he still hasn't came back home. I miss him, I miss his cuddles, his kisses, his hugs, his smile, his laugh, his eyes, his smell, I miss my Louis.

I walked to the bedroom and took off my shirt and slipped on one of his large ones, I breathed in his scent. I miss you so much, Lou. Why won't you come home? I love you so much, Lou. Why don't you love me? I wish you'd still love me even with my scars. Why can't you love a screw up, Lou? Why can't you love me? No one will love you. It's only been a day and I already miss you like crazy. I wonder if you miss me too. Do you? Do you miss me too, Lou? I wish you were here to cuddle with me, I miss your cuddles. I wish you were here to hug me around the waist while I'm trying to cook or brush my teeth, the way you lean into my shoulder blade with your cheek. I wish you could still love me and not be afraid of me, I wish you wouldn't hate me. Do you hate me as much as I hate me? There's so many things I want to ask you, where did you go? Are you at Liam's? Or are you at Niall's? Are you sick? You didn't go to school. Are you okay? Are you safe? I wish you'd let me know. I shut my eyes closed and thought about Louis, I dreamed about him being here with me tonight instead of where ever he is.


	7. Louis Tomlinson, Chapter 7

I stayed home from school again today, Liam's bringing the things that I've missed home. I've been thinking about the whole Harry situation, I need some questions to be answered: Is he okay? No. Has he cut since I've been gone? Yes. If so, am I the reason? Yes. Is there a way I can help him? No. I think I know the answers, but I don't want to believe them. I just want Harry to be okay, I wish he could see himself the way I see him. I know I'm being stupid, when aren't you? Because I'm starving myself and he's cutting himself, both are self harm. I'm being a hypocrite.

There was a knock upon the door, so I walked to it and opened it. Who I saw stunned me, it was Zayn and Harry. "Uh.." I say. Zayn had his arms around Harry's shoulders, that when I noticed Harry was bleeding. My eyes widened, "What happened?" I let them in. "Not now, Lou. Go get some ice and some bandages." Zayn orders. I get the supplies as Zayn fixes my boyfriend up, that should be me.

"Okay, you're done." Zayn said to Harry. Zayn turned to me, "Now I bet you're wondering why we're here besides the fact that Harry got beat up." I nod. "Louis, why'd you just get up and leave him?" "I needed to leave. I just couldn't handle it." I say in reply. "You couldn't handle it?" Zayn screamed, "I've know about him doing this to himself for years, I've handled it. When he first told me, I stayed with him; I didn't leave." "I didn't want to leave, I'm not you Zayn." I say. "I know you're not me, but you're his boyfriend. You did the one thing that he wished wouldn't, you left him." "Zayn imagine this, okay? You're making out with the one person that you love the most and then you feel cuts along their arms, how would you react? I was overwhelmed, I couldn't handle that. My best mate, the one I love the most has been cutting themselves for God knows how long and I never noticed, I never knew. I should've notice! I'm with him 24/7, yet I didn't see that one huge detail! I thought you were happy, Haz. I guess you're pretty good at pretending because you sure had me fooled." I had been screaming; I was angry, not at Harry or Zayn, but at myself for not noticing. I was crying because I was angry. "I'm sorry I'm such a bad boyfriend, I'm sorry okay? Is that what you wanted for me to admit how much of a screw up I was?" I ask, then I ran, well tried to; I turned around to quickly to run and got dizzy, soon all I saw was darkness.

I didn't hear anything as I began to wake up, but then I heard Harry say, "He's waking up." It sounded as if he had been crying, I fluttered my eyes opened and all I saw were concerned eyes on me. I gave them all a confused look, "What?" I was completely dumbfounded. "Ah, Louis, you're awake." I turned and saw Doctor Morrison. I nodded, "Yeah, why're you here, Doc?" He sat down at the coffee table in front of me, I raised up and the blanket that was on top of me fell down that's when I realized I didn't have a shirt on and I was only wearing my jeans. I put the blanket over my shoulders. "Louis, do you know how much you weigh?" I nodded my head, "Yes, why?" "How much do you weigh?" he said. "Why do you need to know? I'm not sick?" I asked. "Louis, please answer my question." "I weigh 56 kg (124 pounds)." I heard the boys gasp, I know I'm fat, dear Lord. "Did you know that you're underweight?" asked Dr. Morrison. I stared into space, "Louis, have you been starving yourself to become skinny?" I did nothing. "Louis, you're anorexic." That's when my whole world went tumbling down. "No, I'm not." I say finally. "Then explain all of this weight loss." "I'm on a strict salad diet, thank you for telling me that it works well." I say trying to cover my tracks. The doctor sighed, "Louis, you need help." "I don't need help. I'm fine, there's nothing wrong with me." I say sternly. "You're not fine, you're sick. You need help; if you don't get help then you'll die." The doctor explains. "I. Do. Not. Care." I reply pausing in between each word. "You don't care about what? That you're sick, that you need help, or if you'll die?" He asks. I look him in the eye and said, "I don't care if I die." Harry started to sob in Zayn's arms, but I didn't care, it's his fault they know now. "Louis are you going to get help?" Dr. Morrison asks. I shake my head no, "Not from a professional, I'm doing this alone. I don't need help from anyone." "Louis, we can help you-" Liam started to say, but I stopped him, "Can you?" 

"Louis is it okay if I ask you some questions?" I nod. "When did you start this?" I look down and think, "About two years." "Have you ever purged or made yourself throw up?" I nodded my head. "Do you think you have a problem?" I shake my head no, "I'm just trying to lose some weight." "Have you ever wanted to kill yourself?" I didn't want to admit to it, but I nodded my head anyway. "Have you ever tried to commit suicide?" I nodded my head again. These are things the boys didn't even know, they don't need to know. "If you could describe yourself in one word, what would it be?" "Fat."

Dr. Morrison gave me his card before leaving, he also gave me a card with eating charts on it. I rolled my eyes and when he left, I knew I would have to face the boys. I threw away his cards and walked into the living room to watch television. The boys stared at me, I had forgotten I didn't have a shirt on, or the blanket. "Could you not?" I ask them. They looked away, it was silent. I got up and left, I walked into the guest room and put on two sweaters. I laid in the bed and wished that this was all a dream, but I knew it wasn't. This is reality, real life.


	8. Harry Styles, Chapter 8

Louis has anorexia. Louis is anorexic. Louis has been this way for basically two years right under our noses. When he would barely touch his breakfast and I asked what was wrong, he was trying to avoid it. Things I never noticed suddenly came to me, him wearing sweaters even in the Summer, never letting me see him naked after the last time, him never getting undressed in front of me; him always trying to avoid being seen. It all makes sense now, how could I have been so clueless? How could we all have been so clueless, really? The thing is, I'm his boyfriend and I didn't see the signs, I didn't notice him not eating, I didn't hear him force himself to throw up; I didn't see the real Louis, I saw him the way I wanted to see him, I saw younger Louis.

"Hey, lads. I'm gonna get going." Niall said. We nodded and waved a 'bye' to him as he left. "I think I should be leaving too," Zayn said, "Harry, you comin' with me?" I look at Liam, "D'think if I take Lou home he'd freak?" Liam shook his head no, "He's been wanting to come home anyway, here's his bag." Liam handed me Louis' bag filled with books and notebooks. "I'll be in the car waiting." I nodded.

I walked upstairs and into the guest room, I saw Louis in his bed crying. "Lou?" I say in a silent voice. He looks up and tries to wipe away all of his tears, "Yeah?" "You wanna go home?" I ask in the same voice. Louis does a smile as he looks at the bedsheets, "Did you miss me?" A smile broke onto my face, "Of course I did, I love you, Lou. I love you so much." "Let's go." He says as we walk out Liam's guest room door with my arm slung around his shoulder. "Thank you, Liam for letting me stay." Louis told Liam. Liam nodded and responded, "Anytime."

We said our peace and walked outside, into Zayn's car. "Everything worked out?" Louis and I looked at each other and nodded. "Good, it felt weird only hanging out with Harry, no offence." We drove to our flat and said 'goodbye' to Zayn then went into the house.

"Lou?" I asked in a hushed tone of voice. "Yeah?" Louis whispers. We were currently laying in bed beside each other, breathless and naked. "Why do you starve yourself?" I knew I shouldn't ask this right after making love, but I had to, he looked so fragile; I'm glad he topped. "Why do you cut yourself?" He snapped. I looked down, "Sorry, Louis... it's just that.." "That what, Harry?" Louis says with his smart remarks. "I don't want to see you hurting yourself anymore, you don't deserve that." Louis rolled his eyes, "And you believe I want you to slice your arms open?" "I-" I started. "Exactly." He says and then turns around, I sigh.

After a while of silence, I knew Louis was still awake; I didn't hear his soft snores and he wasn't thrashing around in bed. "Louis, do you hate me?" I ask. "No, I could never hate you." He replies turning to face me, "Wanna know why?" I look at him, "Because you're everything I've ever wanted, but nothing that I could ever deserve. You're too good to me Harry, you need someone better than me." I shake my head, "I only want you though, you're so much better than me. Louis, you make people laugh with your humor; I make people laugh with my awkwardness. They're laughing with you, but at me." Louis looks at me and cups his hands around my face, "Don't you ever compare yourself to me again, okay? You're perfect. You're beautiful. You're flawless. Okay?" Soon our lips were pressed together, then he pulled away. "I love you, don't ever forget that." "I love you too." And with that we snuggle up close together and fell asleep with his fingertips dancing on the skin of my wrist that had clusters of scars draped around them, but Louis didn't care, he still loved me and I loved him even with our issues.


	9. Louis Tomlinson, Chapter 9

I woke up with anxiety running through my veins, one question repeated in my mind: Was Harry going to make me eat a whole meal? If Harry does then, I'm done. I can't and I won't, he can't make me either. No one, not even Haz can make me eat. I laid in our bed for the longest time staring at the white ceiling before I decided to suck it up. 

I walked hesitantly down to the kitchen and I saw Harry eating cereal, I was actually confused because he'd usually had cooked and not just poured himself a bowl of cereal. "What's for breakfast?" He looked up and chewed his cereal before speaking, "Since I know you don't want to eat like a whole bunch then I figured you'd like to pick out your own food, but Lou, please eat a little bit of something?" I looked at him, he was sincere and I was happy that he's not going to be forcing food down my throat. I nodded my head then replied, "But you have to do something too," he nodded, "you have to try to stop harming yourself." He just smiled and said, "Already on it." I smiled back and grabbed a granola bar and some low fat yogurt.

I sat at the table and opened my yogurt then my granola bar, I tore the granola bar in to five small pieces then dropped them into the vanilla yogurt. I grabbed a spoon then started to eat, I twirled the spoon around to avoid eating. I had to try, for Harry, so I finally got a piece of the granola bar and it had a little yogurt on it then I stuck it in my mouth. I chewed for the longest time and Harry was almost finished with his cereal, I swallowed. I avoided eating again then picked up another piece of the bar, I chewed slowly then swallowed. The process continued until all was left was yogurt, I got up from my chair and threw the rest away.

"Lou, are you going to school today, babe?" I nod, but the thing is, I'm afraid to go back. I walked to our room and I take off my clothing then replaced them with a sweater and some jeans. I walked into the bathroom and brushed my hair, then put it into a fluffy fringe. I tried to avoid the mirror as I brushed my teeth then I was about to step onto the scale, but Harry came in. "Babe, you're not allowed to see your weight, I want you to get better." I glared at him, "Harry, just let me check my weight." "No." He said as he picked up the scale and walked out. "Harry you can't do this." I screamed after him, he turned around and grabbed my arms. "I love you too much to let you do this, Lou. I just want you to get better, I know it'll be hard, but can you try?" "You don't see me taking your razors do you? No, you don't and it's not because I don't care, it's because I don't want you taking my things, so I don't do it to you." I snap, tearing my arms back from his grip. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Take them then, I don't care. I just don't want you to be doing this to yourself." I looked down with my eyes closed then I nodded, "Give them to me." He walked and grabbed a small box, I opened it and I saw blades covered with blood; Harry's blood. I walked into the bathroom and threw them all into the toilet, then I flushed them. I put the box that was filled with blades on the sink then walked out. "Satisfied?" Harry asked. I glared at him and mumbled, "Let's go." 

Harry and I decided to walk to school today, we held hands and got nasty looks from people, but it didn't matter; we had each other. "Bye, babe." Harry says when we got in front of my class, I nodded and hugged him, "Bye." He smiled and we let go of each other then went our separate ways. I walked the halls of the building and got into the classroom. Almost everyone was already there and Aubrey came by to my desk, "Glad to have you back." I smiled and nodded. "Louis, we're doing the animal thing today, did you do enough research on your animal?" she asked. Crap, I knew I was forgetting something, but I can be an elephant, that's easy. "I think I'll be fine." She nods. I started to think about that movie my mum would take me to in the museum when I was younger: it was about a momma elephant and her child getting separated and then a year later she find her baby's bones, but she sadly went on a rampage; using her weight to knock over what was in the way. I can be that momma elephant, I can be that momma elephant; I repeated in my mind.

"Okay now that everyone's here, we can get started on our animals." Aubrey began, "The point of this is to not use noises and you can't tell us your animal." She then continued as she scanned over the class, "Who would like to go first?" Hands shot up as mine stayed down. "Maurice." Maurice went first, but I didn't know what she was trying to be though. "Maurice, please tell us what you were." "I was a monkey." she replies. "Okay, who could tell what she was?" Most of the class raised their hands while mine stayed down. Aubrey nodded as she sent Maurice to sit down. Everyone had went except for me, so I walked to the front on center stage. "Go ahead, Lou." 

I took a deep breath and I put my head down and started to shake it a bit while stomping my feet, just like the momma elephant. I then began to charge, I knew I probably looked like an idiot, but I didn't care. I then heard clapping from Aubrey, "Good job, Lou. You may now sit down." I was confused, she didn't ask me what my animal was, could she tell? "Now I wonder if anyone noticed that I didn't ask Louis what his animal was," she said, "I didn't ask because I could tell he was an elephant, a angry and upset elephant." That's when she directed me, "Louis, what did you use for your research?" I looked down and replied, "I didn't do any research really, I was just remembering a movie from when I was younger about a upset elephant because her baby had gotten killed. I just became that momma elephant really." She smiled. "At least someone knew how to do this assignment correctly."

I walked out of the school building and Harry was there waiting for me, Niall was sick today and Zayn went to go check on him while Liam didn't want to be the third wheel. We walked down the pavement and then Harry asked, "What do you want for dinner?" "Can I have a salad without dressing?" He nodded, "Anything you want." I smiled and locked out hands together. "Harry?" I say, "Yeah?" "I love you." He smiles and looks at me, "I love you too."

I ate my salad while Harry ate a personal pizza; It's just not fair, God made some people naturally skinny and some people naturally fat. I'd never know how my life would have been different if I'd been one of the ones he made skinny; I don't know how he chose. This one will be beautiful and skinny with a small waist and great skin while this one will be short and fat and legs that rub together as they walk. Why couldn't I be one of the lucky ones?


	10. Harry Styles, Chapter 10

Louis' hand was in mine while we walked home from school, the boys' had stayed after in Louis' drama class to help Aubrey clean up the classroom. This wasn't something unusual actually, they've done this before for Aubrey. The sun was starting to set, the sky had a palette of purples, blues, and pinks. Louis squeezed my hand to get my attention as we were walking in silence, I looked at him. "How about we do something we've never done tonight?" He suggested. I got interested, "Like what?" He smiles a giant grin, "You'll see."

I wonder what Louis has in mind? What have we not done? "It's going to be at night time and you don't have to dress up, okay?" He said to stop me, could he tell I was anxious? "Don't worry about it, I'll get everything together, just relax." I nod as he removed his hand from my cheek and intertwined it with mine again. Don't let me go, Lou. I will never let you go, not again. I promise.

We put out coats up and Louis told me to go make us some lunch, I nodded as he gathered what ever we needed. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed some cucumbers, mint leaves, and some lemon. I filled up a class with cold water and put it in the fridge. I peeled the skin off of the cucumbers then chopped them up in slices then I cut the lemons into slices. I grabbed the glass of water that was now cool out of the fridge and then I put in the cucumber and lemon slices and the mint leaves. I put the glass back into the fridge. I'll grab a bottle of water myself when we begin to eat, but for now I will make a grilled chicken salad. I grabbed the chicken out of the freezer compartment and put it next to the stove started to preheat the grill. I grabbed the pan and lightly greased the pan with oil. I put the pan onto the stove and put the chicken into it. I grabbed the pecans that were left in the cabinet beside the stove I put them in another pan for eight minutes and then after the time was up I sat them aside. After that, I grabbed the blender and added, red wine vinegar, sugar, vegetable oil, onion, mustard, salt, and pepper. I took the chicken off the grill and sat it in a plate. I grabbed two plates and got the lettuce out of the fridge and laid it into the plates. I put the grilled chicken slices into each plate with the pecans and strawberries. I then poured some dressing onto each plate over the lettuce and toppings. I sat the plates onto the table and then grabbed Lou's cucumber, mint, lemon water and my bottled water.

"Lou," I called out, "Dinner's ready." "Okay, I'll be down in a minute." He called back. Soon Louis came down to join me and he said, "What's with the fancy water, Haz?" He sat down and I chewed what I had in my mouth. "You don't like it?" I ask. "Um no, Harry. I was just asking why?" "Oh," I say, "I went online yesterday and it said that it was good to help your metabolism and I just thought you'd like it." He took a drink of it, "I like it, stop worrying so much." I smiled. He began to slowly eat his salad, I could try he was trying to not eat the grilled chicken, but he did take a few small bites out of it. As I had finished everything except for some lettuce, Louis left a lot of the chicken and some pecans, at least he ate. I smiled at Louis as I cleaned my plate and dried it with my dishcloth. "I'm finished." He chimed. I looked at his plates and he had ate some more of his chicken, I smiled. I scrapped the rest of it into the trash can and then washed the plate while Louis added the finishing touches on our date. I then dried it off and sat them into the cabinet. 

Louis rushed down the stairs and then he said, "Follow me." He reminded me of Peter Pan, I was Wendy and we were about to go to Neverland and we were going to meet the lost boys and meet mermaids; we were going to defeat Captain Hook. He led me up the stairs and into our bedroom, our window was opened. I was suddenly confused as he led me towards the window. He then walked out and onto the roof, I was still confused, but I went along with it. It was dark out and I could barely see, yet I was on top of the roof with my boyfriend. "You probably think I'm crazy." He says. I nod and look him in the eyes, "Yeah, I do. You're entire bonkers, but as Alice said the the Hatter, all the best people are." "You're cute, you know that right?" He asked as he sat down on the roof and covered himself up with a blanket. I sat down beside him and said, "You're beautiful." I laid down and looked at the stars, I pointed up saying, "Big Dipper." Louis then laid down on my chest and then he said, "How long is forever?" I look at the beautiful stars above me and reply with the same Alice in Wonderland reference, "Sometimes just one second." 

They stared at the black sky with the glistening specks of silver, most of the time they were quiet, why? They enjoyed the tranquility that they felt when they were with each other. Harry played the the tips of Louis' feathered hair. After a few seconds of looking at the clear sky with diamonds, something caught Louis' attention. He sprang up and pointed, "Harry! Did you see that? A shooting star." He look so amazed and childish, his eyes were lit up like a Christmas tree. I smiled at him, "Yes, I know. Are you going to make a wish?" Louis nods and asks me, "Are you?" I nod my head and together we both closed our eyes. I wish to be the best boyfriend to Lou that I can and to stay with him forever. Hopefully, our forever is for more than just a second and is for infinity. Then Louis tackled me for a kiss, I kissed back and I smiled at him as he cuddled closer into me. Soon I heard soft snores escape his lips and the last thing I saw before going to sleep was Louis, my shooting star.


	11. Louis Tomlinson, Chapter 11

Louis Tomlinson, Chapter 11

You're getting fatter, Louis. I hear a voice whisper in my ear, you're obese. I had the bathroom door closed with the shower water running; I was standing in front of the mirror, staring at my reflection. I've been avoiding myself for a while, but I just happen to have glance before I was getting in the shower; that was one of my first mistakes of trying to recover. You don't deserve Harry or the boys, they're too good for you. I grabbed the bundle of fat on my stomach, pinching myself harder and harder as my head began to pound. You're nothing. You're worthless. I flicked my thighs, watching the fat jiggle, I pinched my skin making bruises appear on my tan skin. You're always going to be fat, you know what'll make you feel better? The voice, Skinny, asked. I was desperate, I whispered, "Anything." Purge. Stick your fat fingers in your mouth and make yourself gag, gag until you heave. And with that, I obeyed her suggestion.

I sunk down to the porcelain bowl, I lifted the lid up and stuck my finger in my mouth and tickled my throat. I gagged, I repeated the first action and then I puked out my guts. I stuck my fingers down my throat until I had nothing left, but then I froze when I heard a knocking on the door. "Lou?" Harry. I couldn't speak because if I did, my voice would sound raspy and then he'd know. "Louis, are you okay in there?" He called from the door again. Still, I did not answer him. I heard him grab the handle and I wanted to scream that I was okay, but something held me back. I couldn't say a thing.

Harry opened the door and he trotted over to me, "Are you ok-," He started to say, but then noticed my dinner in the toilet bowl. "Oh, Louis." He says wrapping his arms around me. "Let's get you cleaned up, yeah?" He hates you, Louis. I said nothing, but as he tried to pick me up a shuffled away. "I can walk." "Lou, you're not fat." he says. I shook my head, "No, Harry, I am." He sighs, "Louis, you're flawless." 

He stopped the warm shower water and started to run a bath. I was in the tub as the water gushed out, Harry gathered up some bath salts and some bubble bath. I leaned my head down on my knees as my arms were wrapped around my knees, "You're beautiful, Louis." "I am not, Harry." I say raising my head. Harry moved the hair from my face and said, "But you are, to me." 

Harry then climbed into the bath with me and began to wash my body for me; nothing was sexual, everything was just love. He wasn't doing this for sex, no, he was doing this for no reason at all. I don't deserve him. He scrubbed my arms, legs, and back. He then asked me to lean my head back so he could wash my hair, he squirt the shampoo in his hands and lathered up my hair. He then washed the suds away and then he washed himself, I scrubbed his back and then washed his hair.

We got out of the wash and dried off, we slipped on some clothes (a simple tee-shirt and some sweats), and then I gave Harry a hug. "What was that for?" He asked. "You are too good for me, you know that?" I say. "You must be mistaken with yourself, you're gorgeous, you're flawless, you're perfect. Though you may disagree, but I love everything about you. My favorite eye colour is yours, my favorite height is yours, my favorite arms are yours, and Louis, guess what?" I looked up at him, "My favorite person besides my mum is you." I looked at Harry, "I don't deserve you, Haz, I'm am literally dreading the day you finally see how much of a waste I am and when that day comes, I will not be surprised. You'll hate me just like everyone else. You deserve someone who makes you happy, someone who will not complicate your life, someone who will never hurt you." "Louis you are not a waste. I could never hate you, why? Because I could never hate someone as beautiful as you. Louis, you make me happy. You don't see this, but you're my definition of radiant. You're gorgeous, you light up the room with your eyes, with your smile. You're beautiful. Louis you make my life exciting, you give me love and happiness. You've never hurt me, babe. You pick me up when I fall down and I love you for it. I love you so much, you complete me. You're my sun, my stars, my moon, my galaxy, you are my everything. If you think I'm lying, well babe, I don't know what to tell you because I don't understand how you cannot see how gorgeous you are." he rants. "I-" I try, but instead I get on my tip-toes and kiss him. This wasn't a kiss full of lust, it was filled with passion and love, it was slow and not at all rushed. "I love you." I whisper against his lips. He smirks and whispers, "I love you too." Then he goes for another kiss making this one rushed, but still filled with love and passion.  
*Warning: Smut*

The kiss was getting more heated as Harry lifted me up and led me to the bed, he laid me down gently and started to tease me. He kissed down my neck and then lifted off my shirt. It's a shame that we had just took bath and got into these clothes, but it didn't matter, I wanted Harry to make love to me. Usually it was me making love to him, but I wanted him tonight, I wanted him to make love to me. "You're beautiful, Louis." He says in a slightly raspy voice as he takes off my pants. I help him with his shirt and pants, so we were both in our underwear. He slipped his hand into my boxers and started to rub my member slightly. My hips jerked wanting to feel more friction, but instead he pushed my hips down and said in a low voice, "Let me make love to you." I nodded and let him take full control. He slipped out underwear off and said, "Hand and knees, babe." I obeyed and got into position. He grabbed the lube and then adjusted my hips for easier access. He thrust-ed slowly for me to get adjusted then went faster as time went on. "You're doing great, babe." he tells me as he jerked me off. "Harry, I'm-" I came onto his hand and shortly after he reached his climax. He pulled himself out and cleaned us both off, "I love you so much, Louis." he whispers and kissed my forehead. "I love you too, Harry. You're my everything and honestly, without you, my life would be meaningless." He wrapped his arm around my waist and then whispered, "Goodnight, lovely."


	12. Harry Styles, Chapter 12

Harry Styles, Chapter 12

Images of last night played on replay through my mind as I lay in bed beside of my beloved, Louis. I lightly moved my finger tips across his hipbones and off to his bum. He wiggled his nose and slightly opened his eyes, "What?" he mumbled. I smiled and made my voice into a half whisper, "Do you want anything for breakfast, babe?" I saw his eyes open more and he shook his head, I nodded and said, "Okay." He turned over to look at me, he was confused, "You're not going to make me eat?" "Lou, you relapsed last night, I didn't expect you to eat much today, but I do want you to eat something later. Right now all I want to do is cuddle with you." "I love you, Harold." He turned around as I came closer to him and wrapped my arms and legs around him, "I love you too, Lou."

"Harry...?" Louis says in the midst of silence, "Yeah?" I reply. "What if we never recover? What if we never get better?" I furrowed my eyebrows, "Why are you asking?" "Because you and I don't know if we do get better, I want you to get better; I want us to get better, together." I nod my head, understanding, "Lou, we'll get through this together, I promise." "Pinkie promise?" He asks holding up his hand with his pinkie up, "Pinkie promise." I say intertwining out pinkies together. Lou, I promise this oath will not be broken.

I was awaken by a hacking in the bathroom, I opened my eyes and saw an half empty bed. Louis. I jumped out of the bed and ran to the door, "Louis, are you okay?" "Yeah" I heard him croak. "Do you need help?" I asked in a worried tone of voice. "No, I'm fine." I sighed, "Okay." He walked out of the restroom and he looked at me, "I didn't purge, Harry.. I swear. I went downstairs to eat some food and I started to feel queasy, I just wanted to make you happy." I wrapped my arms around him, "It's okay, Lou, it's okay." I tried to sooth him by holding him and stroking his air, "It's okay, I believe you." "I just want you to be happy." He whispered into my chest. "I am happy. I'm happy with you." I say. "No you're not." He proclaimed. "I am." "Then why do you have cuts and scars upon every inch of your body? You done them to yourself, no one else did them. You do them because you're sad." He says with tears in his beautiful eyes, looking up into mine. I didn't know what to say, so I just hugged him.

I went down to the kitchen and grabbed some waffles from the freezer then stuck them into the toaster. I grabbed a plate, the syrup, and strawberries from the fridge. The waffles popped out and I laid them into the plate. Then I poured the syrup over them, after that, I chopped the strawberries up and put them on top. I grabbed a fork and began to eat my breakfast. I put the ingredients away and left the kitchen.

Louis was sat on the couch with wet hair and different clothing watching some documentary. "Do you want to go to the skate rink?" He asks. I nodded my head, "Be right back." I walked into our shared room and picked some clothes out. I then styles my hair, after that, I then brushed my teeth. Ugly. I ignored the voice and smiled into the mirror.

"Lets go." I say smiling at him. He nods and we grab our jackets, walk out the door then go to the car. We both get in and Lou starts the car up, "How to Save a Life" by The Fray is playing. "And where did I go wrong? I lost a friend.." I hear Louis join in singing. I honestly thought he had an amazing voice, I stared out the car window leaning against it, looking at the passing people and trees. I think nature is the second most beautiful thing on this Earth, the first? Louis. I don't know what I'd do without him, I love him so much, but he doesn't know it, he doesn't want to believe it. "... drive until you lose the road, or break with the ones you've followed..." His voice is so gorgeous, he hits the notes just right. His voice is feminine, yet manly; his voice, you can hear his accent coming through it. His voice could cure cancer. "... had I known how to save a life.." I couldn't help but to not smile at that time, Lou could very well be a singer, I guess that's when I realized I'm in a relationship with a singer. Louis, you're going to make it in life. You're name will be in shining lights, millions of fans screaming your name every night at concerts; I'm going to be in that crowd, Lou, I'm your biggest fan. "I wouldn't say that Harry." Louis said blushing. I raised my eyebrows, "You nut, you said that out loud." "Oh, did I?" I asked. He laughed, "Thanks for the compliment though, but I don't agree." "I know you don't, but that doesn't mean it's true." I responded. "You are completely mad." I retorted, "And If I am, just call me the Mad Hatter." Louis let out a chuckle, "Then I believe I'm Alice?" "Yes." "May I ask a question then, Mr. Hatter?" I nod, "How about we go to Wonderland, together?" "And where's that?" "I don't know yet to be honest." Louis responds and I didn't know how to answer, all I know is I finally understand why the Cheshire Cat said, "...we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad." and it had nothing to do with falling down the rabbit hole.

Once we had gotten to the skating rink, we put on our skates and the song "Kiss Me Slowly" by Parachute came on. I stepped off of the carpeted flooring and onto the hardwood floor of the skating rink. Of course being the clumsy idiot I am, I fall onto my face as Louis flawlessly comes over and helps me up. "Thanks, babe." He smiled. "Let's go dance." He whispers in my ear on his tiptoes in roller skates. How does he do it? As all the other couples went around in circles with each other smiling, Louis and I were locking hands together and it felt as if I was on a cloud with no care in the world. Louis was basically pulling me across the rink because I was too scared to fall, but then I started to panic and I ended up making us both fall on one another. He and I both laughed while we were on the floor, but we couldn't get up because we were laughing so hard. "This is a good position to be in if i do say so myself." he jokes. I rolled my eyes, "You're a doof." He smiles with his teeth showing, "I know, but I'm your doof." I smiled at his adorableness and leaned in for a kiss right when the song ended. "I love you." "I love you too."

When we got home, I fixed us both a salad with lettuce, cheese, bacon bits, croutons, and for me taco meat while Lou just had lettuce, cheese, croutons, and ranch dressing. Louis ate slow, but he was doing it correctly. I mean he had just purged, I wasn't going to force him to eat a whole entire steak. I know his stomach can't handle heavy food the way others expect people with anorexia to do, the thing they don't understand is that they physically cannot do it. Louis and I may not be the most perfect people, but why be perfect when you can be different right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ello, Destinee here. :)) Sorry I haven't updated in a while, but a lot of drama has been going on, with a lot of homework, and I didn't feel like doing anything. I don't know when you should expect a new chapter, but I will update when I can.


	13. Chapter 13, Louis Tomlinson

Louis Tomlinson, Chapter 13

I woke up with an upset stomach, then my stomach made a horrible grumbling sound. I felt the salad from last night start to come up as I darted for the toilet. I made it to the bathroom just in time for my stomach to empty the remains into the toilet bowl. "Lou, are you alright?" Harry rushed over to me. I nodded, "I think I caught the stomach bug though." He sighed, "Are you well enough to go to class?" "Yeah, I'll make it through the day, don't worry." I reply. "Are you sure?" "Yes, Haz. Don't worry about me." He sighs, "I'll try." I smiled at him. He turned and walked out of the bathroom.

I grabbed some clothes: a t-shirt that has "Love will Tear us Apart" written on it, black skinny jeans, and converse. I took a warm shower then fluffed my hair with waves in it. I brushed my teeth and then used the mouthwash. Let this be a good day.

I walked downstairs to see Harry eating scrambles eggs with toast and on a plate for me, he had placed some eggs and a piece. The eggs were exactly seventy-eight calories and toast was fifty-five, altogether that was one hundred thirty-three calories. He had also placed half a glass of orange juice out which was basically fifty-six calories, so if he had me to eat all of this it would be one hundred eighty-nine calories. Maybe if I just eat half of the eggs, thirty-nine calories, half of the toast, basically twenty-eight calories, then half of the orange juice, twenty-eight calories; I would only eat ninety-five calories, less than one hundred. 

I went by that game plan, I scooped the eggs on the toast and then took a sup of juice to wash it down. I chewed slowly to trick my brain into thinking I was full. I halved my eggs down the middle and pushed one half away with my fork. I scooped the eggs upon my bread once more and took a drink. Swallow, scoop, chew; swallow, scoop, chew; was my routine. I got down to my last scoop, I chewed, then swallowed the last bite. I got my glass and turned it upward until I thought I had half of the drink down. I had exactly half of everything left on my plate, I mixed the eggs up a bit and scrambled them around then tore my bread into pieces to make it an illusion. I scrapped the leftovers off my plate then quickly washed it. 

"How much did you eat?" Harry asked me. "Almost all of it." I smiled. He smiled at me, a proud one, "I'm proud of you Lou." He brought me into a hug. I frowned when I got to his chest, I just lied to him. "How are you feeling?" "Better than I did this morning." I said in all honesty. "That's good. Tell me if you start to feel sick again, okay?" I nodded, "Okay." "Louis, will you be my Hazel Grace?" Harry looked down at me. "As long as you're my Augustus Waters." I reply. "Do you know why you're Hazel?" "Is it because I'm more feminine?" I ask rolling my eyes as we walk our way to school. He laughs, "No, it's because in the book, Augustus dies and I would rather die then live a single day without you." "Harry-" "I'm in love with you. I know I am. I'm not just saying that to just say it, but I'm saying it because I mean it. I'm in love with you, Louis. Just like Hazel, you are so much like her, Lou. Hazel doesn't believe anyone could love her and she pushes people away, she refers to herself as a grenade ready to blow up." "Why me?" I ask him, "Why did you choose me?" "Because, Lou, I love you. I love you because you're you. You're beautiful, you speak your mind, you're sassy, your funny, and most of all, you give me something to live for." He replies. "I feel like you're still trying to stick a quote from the book into that speech to add on.." He laughs, "And you say we don't know each other." "And there it is." I say with a smile. "Did we just have a "The Fault in Our Stars" moment?" I ask him. He nods. "Okay." "Okay?" I nod, "Okay." He smiles, "Maybe we can share 'Okay' with Hazel and Gus, okay?" I smirk and I reply with, "Okay." "We're never going to let this go are we?" "Never." I reply. 

We finally made it to our classes and said our goodbye's. Aubrey said that we would be performing a different kind of drama, she said it wouldn't be a drama that it would be more like a program that you would see at Disney World. This year's them was Disney, everything Disney. We got to audition for our character and then in the program we got to show our talents in front of the whole school. She asked us to write down our favorite Disney movie, animated or not, on a blank sheet of paper. I was excited for this program, I grabbed a blank sheet of college rule paper and wrote in my sloppy handwriting: Peter Pan, my all time favorite movie since I was a young lad. She received all the papers and said, "The first three papers I pick up are going to be what the class gets to choose from." She reached for the papers in the middle and picked out three then said the names aloud: Up, Peter Pan, and Snow White. Aubrey had a hatred for the Snow White movie, I knew the reason: While in school, she would get called Snow White because she had ghostly, pale, white skin and a black, bob haircut; she looked exactly like Snow, but that wasn't why she disliked it, she only disliked it because she was called a prostitute because Snow had lived with seven men. "Now write your new choice on another sheet of paper." I knew she was going to withdraw Snow White, therefore, Peter had to compete with Up. I got a sheet and wrote Peter Pan then handed it back to her. She asked if she had all the papers and when she seen that no one else had one to turn in, she walked to her desk to count. Five minutes later she announced that Peter Pan had won the vote. A smile started to show on my face, Peter Pan had won this battle too.


	14. Harry Styles, Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sorry I haven't updated in three months a lot has happened.. If you need to know, last month my brother died in a car accident, so I'm still dealing with his loss and then I had state testing. Then in March I just didn't have any motivation to do anything really and I am so sorry for this. I'm not good at writing, so I don't really see why I should update, but I do want to become a writer when I get older. I'm trying my hardest to make this story interesting, but it's hard to do so for my ability. I'm sorry I'm crap at this. - Destinee

Harry Styles, Chapter 14

•-"Lou, Louis.. you have to stop doing this to yourself.." I heard my voice say to Louis, a very sick looking Lou in a hospital bed. "I-I'm sorry, Haz.. I just can't stop, I can't control it." I grabbed hold of his hand, "Louis, please try." I begged to him, "I'm trying the freaking best I can, Harry. I'm trying my hardest to be strong for you, I'm trying my hardest to be perfect for you." I raised my eyebrows, releasing my hand from his, "You're blaming all of this on me? I didn't tell you to freaking starve yourself, I love you the way you are and before you were a freaking skeleton." The hurt on his face made me want to hug him. "No, you didn't Harry, but I was trying to be perfect for you and you did nothing to stop it." He responds angrily. I took in a breath of air and said, "You seem to forget I'm trying the best I can too... and it seems like you're not even trying. I'm done, Louis. You do not care." "Fine." He responds. Did Louis and I just break up? I start to hear heavy breathing and everything's blurry, but I can see someone; I see someone in a hospital gown standing on a stool and wrapping a rope around their neck, Louis. Louis' about to attempt suicide because of me. He kicks back the stool and I see darkness.•-

My eyes shot open and I looked over to see Louis laying beside me.. "Thank God." I whisper as I notice it's only about one in the morning. "He's so beautiful, yet he's mine." I whisper again. "I love you, Lou." I whispered into the darkness and I kissed his forehead, then stroked his hair. How'd I get so lucky? "You're so beautiful.." I said in a hushed tone.. "I just wished you'd see that.." 

That's when I got an idea.. I grabbed my notebook and a pen. I wrote: I like your hair because it's soft and reminds me of chocolate. I like your forehead because it's my favorite place to give you kisses. I like your ears because they're tiny. I like your eyes because they're beautiful, and though most times they're filled with sadness, I love them them when they light up with joy. I like your cheeks because your cheekbones are perfection. I like your lips because they're made for me to kiss. I like your chin because it fits you. I like your neck because it turns you on when I kiss it. I like your chest because your tattoos turn me on. I like your arms because they're muscular. I like your stomach because you're perfect no matter what shape you are. I like your legs because they're short and cute. I like you to your head to your toe, Louis, I love you so much. Louis, you are my sun. You shine and when you're sad you still smile. You fill me up with joy just by looking at me. You're always wanted, always needed. You're full of light and full of love. I love you, my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know dear how much I love you..

I know this won't change his point of view on himself, but I want to try to convince him that he is beautiful. Louis is my sunshine and he truly does make me happy even when I'm down. I don't know how to put into words how much I love that boy. I just wish he'd see how much he means to me, how much he means to others... I wish there were a way.

"Harry, what are you doing at three in the bloody morning?" I hear Louis from beside me muffle. I respond, "Nothing, babe, go back to sleep." "Okay." he says and then kisses my cheek. I laugh as I begin to hear his soft snores. He's so cute. Louis, I wish you someday see how important you are to me.

•-"Louis!" I hear myself scream as I see a hanging Louis thrash around, gasping for air. I start to panic, breathing heavier and heavier as my heart went to my ears. "Don't worry.." I whisper as I ran over trying to lift him out of the rope, he catches his breath and I reach the stool with my foot. I try to get his head out from the rope, I call for a nurse. "Louis, are you okay?" He doesn't do anything, he just lays there. I'm not going to leave. "I'm not leaving, babe. I'm never letting go, okay? I love you so much." My breathing starts to get faster again, my heart pounds in my ears, my head is about to explode. I soon see Louis grab a knife from under the bed and whisper, "I'm sorry, Harry." He then stabs me in both eyes, but I'm still alive, I just can't see. I hear the stool moving and then choking and thrashing. Louis just killed himself and killed my eyesight and my heart. I can see nothing, then I hear a door and a gasp. I don't think they knew I was alive and I didn't want them to, I wanted to die and so I did.•-


	15. Louis Tomlinson, Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not the best update, I'm sorry.

Louis Tomlinson, Chapter 15

I slowly ease some corn flakes into my mouth, with milk. It was harder than usual today, My head screamed that I was fat as my body agreed, but didn't necessarily care about the chub. Harry was almost finished with his bowl and it looked as if I was just getting started, I took two more bites, but then dropped my spoon back into the bowl. Harry looked up when he heard the clatter, "Lou..?" I shook my head, "Don't." He sighed, but then seemed to remember something.. "Stay right here, please?" I nodded. What is up with this boy now?

He rushed back and I was confused, he had his journal in his hands and then tore out a page. He began to read the words he wrote, he wrote about my body, everything about me that he loved. Each time Harry would recite what he loved to me he would kiss that part of me. By the time he finished with his bodily speech, he began again, "Louis, you are my sun. You shine and when you're sad you still smile. You fill me up with joy just by looking at me," he paused and looked at me, "You are the Sun while I am the Earth, you keep me alive. You're always wanted, always needed. You're full of light and full of love." He grabbed one of my hands, "I love you, my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know dear how much I love you," His voice cracked, he said through tears, "Please don't take my sunshine away, please." I pulled him close and hugged him, his head in my shoulder, crying. "I don't want to lose you, Louis. I need you to stay alive, I need you to stay healthy... please." I just nodded my head, a tear falling down my cheek. "Don't worry, Harry.. I'll never leave you, never."

Everyday is not going to be a good day, I know this. Today was just one of those days my demons spoke louder than others, but I will not ever leave Harry again. Harry means a lot to me, he's my boyfriend, my best friend. I don't see how I'm keeping Harry alive to be honest, but I shall just accept it to make the boy happy. I crave for Harry to be happy, he deserves to be happy. Laying on the couch facing each other, cuddling, "Louis.." "Yeah?" I respond playing with his curls. "Even though you think no one loves you, I just want you to know that I love you. All the other blokes and birds out there are just stars lost in our solar system, yet you are the most important star in the solar system; the Sun. I love you more than I could love anyone else, you're my Sun that brightens my day. I just want you to know that no one compares to you." I was breathless, "Harry.." "No speaking, babe, just cuddles." I nodded. 

How can I save him while he is trying to save me? How can we save each other while trying to save ourselves? I have hope that it'll work though, I have hope that we'll make it through this, together. I don't want to get help from anyone other than Harry, I trust Harry. Harry loves me, at least I think he does.. I want to help him with his self-harming, I want to save him from his self. "Haz.." I say quietly. "Mhm" he replies. "You make me feel wanted, Harry. Thank you." Harry opened his eyes to look at me, that was the first time in a long time I have ever seen such a happy glint in his eyes, he puts a real smile upon his face and kisses me. "I love you." I smile, "I love you more." He then just proceeds to wrap his arms around me.

Isn't weird how once our body starts to go to sleep it's hard at first, but after a while your eyes just give up on reality and go off to dream world; once we are in that dream world, we no longer want to be brought back to reality because our dreams always seem to be much happier than real life. You can make your dreams about anything really, but you don't know what's coming in for tomorrow or even in the next five minutes in reality. You can make your dreams happen, but as for reality.. Reality ruins peoples lives. I like dreaming, I don't like waking up. Sometimes when I wake up it feels like I'm awakening into a nightmare, reality is my nightmares and falling asleep is my way out of the nightmare that is life itself. I guess I'm just weird to think this way, yeah? Maybe I just need help.. Maybe I'm just insane. I'm completely mad and to be honest there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, that worries me. I want to be normal, I do. I want to wake up from a nightmare and come to reality thinking it's an escape from a horrible nightmare. I want reality to be my savior from a bad dream, rather than the other way around. How can I learn to love life when all I do is find things wrong with it? That's my problem, I see the negative in everything, never the positive. Soon I fall asleep with my arms around Harry and his arms around me, I going away into the darkness of sleep, my escape. Sleep is good, sleep helps you forgot about everything for a little while and for that I am thankful. Sometimes we need a release rather than something self-destructive as an distraction, sometimes we just need a good sleep; sometimes we need to get away from the reality that surrounds us. The reality that traps us, my reality is my eating. My eating keeps me trapped in a ribbed cage, my heart is caged in: trapped. I am trapped in a reality I don't want to be in.


	16. Harry Styles, Chapter 16

Harry Styles, Chapter 16

Something happened today that I wasn't expecting; I didn't think something like this would happen to my Louis. Louis Tomlinson was found dead, my boyfriend was found dead. His death was not an accident, he did this himself. Louis overdosed on dieting pills, his eating disorder took over the poor boys mind and let him to murder the most lovely person, himself. It should have been me.

"My name is Harry Styles, I am Louis Tomlinson's first and last boyfriend. Louis was the best thing I could have ever had in my life. I love him, and even though he's gone he shall forever be my number one," I swallowed the lump in my throat, "I believe Louis knows that I was in love with him, and I believe he was in love with me, but I also believe sometimes the self hatred for yourself is a lot more stronger than the love you have for another. I am the most lucky person to have got the chance to love this beautiful man and for that I am the most grateful."

"Louis will not be forgotten, Louis will be remembered. Louis will be remembered for his breathtaking eyes and that oh so lovely smile, he will be remembered for his heart of gold and that laugh was a melody in my ears. Louis is my light, my star, my Sun. Louis said he'd never leave me alone, I believe his oath. Louis will always be here, where ever he went he left a piece of himself. Everyone will remember the boy with the blue-grey eyes and that beautiful smile," I put my sleeves to my eyes and continued, "He's so beautiful, the whole world couldn't get tired of looking at him. I'm sorry that I can't say anymore about this man, there are only twenty-six letters in the alphabet and I can't come up with a good description of this beauty because words cannot describe how wonderful Louis was to everyone. There's one thing I can tell you though, it's that no matter what, if you were in the same room as him, you could see the light radiating off of him. I love him and I will love him until I die myself, thank you." 

There's one thing I saw when I looked up from the stand and that thing was a room that loved Louis just as much as I did. I wish he could be here and see how many people cared, I wish he could have been happy with his time on Earth. I realized something right then, you cannot avoid death. There's only one thing in life that is guaranteed and that my friend is the beautiful thing, death. Death comes to all, young and old, skinny and fat, stable and unstable, black and white, and that's why it's beautiful. Death is beautiful because it doesn't skip anyone no matter what; it will wrap its dark hands around your throat or take you down by your feet at sea, you're never safe in this world, you're dying everyday. Louis has already met his fate, he's one of the lucky ones. Everyone who knew him will miss him, but that's okay because we'll all meet again someday. I'm going to meet him again, today.

After the funeral I ran away from everything, I ran for as long as my legs could take me before I feel down. Louis, why did you have to go, babe? It should have been me. I know it's sick, but I'm jealous of Louis. Louis didn't deserve to die, I did. It's selfish really; all my life I wanted to die, Louis didn't want to die, he wanted to be skinny. I'm getting my wish, I am dying today whether the universe likes it or not.

I glanced around at my surroundings, I was in the woods. I sighed and began walking to who knows where. It was a short distance until I heard the rearing of a car engine coming from behind me, I turned to look and I was caught in the headlights of a truck. Next thing I knew I was on the ground, my body waist down was numb, I tried to scream out for help, but instead blood came up and I started to choke. I realized at that moment I was dying, panic rang throughout my entire body and tears ran down my face. I don't want to die anymore, but it seems like I've reached my fate and I'm now getting my wish. I wanted to die and God said, "So be it."


	17. Epilogue

Epilogue

Mosaic (noun);   
arrangement of broken pieces that form a picture.

Louis and Harry were broken into pieces, but they were both beautiful people. Louis was in pieces and so was Harry, they were their own mosaics. Just because Louis was a piece in Harry's life and just because Harry was a piece of Louis' life does not mean they could fix or complete each other because a piece was always missing. A person cannot fix a person with a mental disorder just by being their boyfriend or girlfriend.

Depressive Disorder (noun);  
persistent feelings of sadness and worthlessness that interfere with everyday life.

Anorexia Nervosa (noun);  
an eating disorder characterized by the act of obsessing over food or an intense fear of food itself.

Self Harm (noun);  
deliberately harming your own body.

Harry was depressed and used cutting as an escape while Louis was anorexic and starving himself was his own escape. Cutting, burning, starving, purging, etc are all acts of self harm. All of the methods to self harm are not what you should do as an escape; if you want an escape from the world find yourself an outlet: music, movies, books, singing, drawing, anything that makes you forget the world around you. Please do not hurt yourself tonight, you deserve to live.

When people found out that these two boys died, all of the people they knew and loved were devastated. Everyone couldn't believe it and their parents will never forget the call they got saying, "I'm sorry, but your son has died." No one will ever forget them, people in class with them will look at their seat everyday and they will regret every harmful thing they ever said to them. Their siblings will remember all the times they never said, "I love you too" back to them. Their friends will always regret not getting them the help they needed, they will regret being the only other ones that knew the way they felt. People will blame themselves because of their death. Everyone will remember the two boys that loved each other, but their mental disorders took over. They will miss their voices and their laughter, but most of all they will miss the looks they gave one another.


End file.
